Tea Time at 420
by Grand Phoenix
Summary: The girls are searching for inspiration for their next big song one day when Yui walks in carrying a box wrapped in crumpled brown paper. What could it be, and how does it relate to their efforts? /Pre-S2; two-shot CRACK/
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** All characters and locations belong to their respective owners.

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**Tea Time at 420**

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Luis ran with fire on his feet. Each step against the blacktop sent pulsing vibrations up and down his calves. He hugged the box closer to his chest, tossing quick glances over his shoulders every few seconds. No one was behind him. Thank Gods!

He returned his attention in front of him. He hoped it stayed that way. He was lucky to have lost them back downtown; he would have been caught for sure if he hadn't jumped on the metro in time. He shuddered; he heard what happened to folk who got their names on the book. You could get away with this shit if you were careful in America, but this was Japan, and if you were snagged in Japan you were in for it knee-deep. Big or small, no matter how much you carried, was serious business. And the fines – dear Father in Heaven – the fines were _outrageous_. He couldn't afford to pay the fines. Not when he got himself a nice little job at the barber's and put the money toward paying rent on the flat.

But was it so wrong to have a little bit more? Just a couple more ounces? Yeah, he promised his mom and dad, hell even his sister, but he'd been getting the Crave. The Crave wasn't satisfied with his efforts. You want to get better, right? You want to go to college, get that degree you've been puttin' off since the docs saw fit to discharge you from the hospital, so why not have me one last time before you hit the books and we can forget this never happened? Whaddaya say, Luis ole pal?

Oh, he resisted. He refused the temptation, he really did. But the Crave fought back, pushed him against a wall and put the pipe to his lips, and now it was having its way with him. Pleasuring the Crave like birds snatching shiny luxuries when the silly humans were looking the other way.

He should have taken better care watching his movements, should have found a better hiding spot that wasn't so close to private properties. But when you were dancing with the Crave, there was nothing you could do. You had to keep with the groove or else you'd step on some toes, and you didn't want to step on the Crave's toes, nosirree. You step on the Crave, the Crave will step on you.

Luis would have kicked himself, but he couldn't risk the chance to stop and do so. They could still be following him. Didn't this town have its own K-9 unit? Hell if he knew. The last thing he wanted to do was get paired in a cell with some guy in drag who had a penchant for getting the most cavity searches because he withheld dulled razors in his cheeks _on purpose_. Not to mention meeting said guy in the showers—

A dog barked in the distance. Luis stomped on the scream clawing at his throat. He tore across the street, glanced over his shoulder again. His foot twisted and he fell with a crash. He rolled to a stop.

Oh Gods they're going to get me, this it is, game's over, man, time's up, put your hands behind your head—

He swallowed thickly, panted in-out in-out in-out through clenched teeth. He looked down and saw the package was still in his arms. He sat up, glanced behind him a third time. No one. Not a man or dog in sight. Jesus Christ, was that close!

Sweat dripped into his eyes. He wiped them with the back of his hand. He rose to his feet and absorbed his surroundings. He was in a residential area filled with two-storey houses, recycle bins on the curb, and pink flamingos guarding mowed, green lawns. It looked like a nice, quiet area.

It wouldn't be for long if he kept moseying around like this. The dogs would be – no, probably are on his trail, right now. The cops roaring through the suburbs in their big-ass Suzuki Jimmys, sirens whooping, rubbers squealing.

He had to move. He had to freaking move!

But not with the package. Oh no. That package would get him in a whole world of trouble. He couldn't be seen with it. He couldn't even be found _smelling like it_.

What to do, what to do…? Think, Luis, think!

A light bulb clicked on in his head. That's it! He willed his legs into motion, toward a house with a slanted roof and front-facing garage. There were some magnolia bushes by the walkway winding up to the front entrance. Holding the box out with both hands, Luis lunged across the lawn like a baseball player sliding toward second base. He hit the ground, picked himself up and continued the rest of the way in a staggering crouch-run. When he got there, he pushed the bushes aside and tucked the box in its eaves, making sure it was well out of sight.

Good, part one was done. He could breathe a little easier, but not yet. Luis patted his jean pockets and retrieved a bottle of AXE body spray. He yanked off the cap and proceeded to douse himself in a fine amorphous mist. When he started to reek of squeezed lemons instead of smoke and B.O., he burned the house's address to memory and hauled his sorry hide away as if a volcano had just erupted behind him.

He'd come back for it. He'd wait for the neighborhood to wake up and the parents walk their kids to school. Then, when they were gone – really gone, you could never be too sure how parents plan their days when John and Jane weren't around – he'd sneak back and retrieve the package. He'd pawn it off to some shmuck looking for a hit and he would never have to look at the blasted thing ever again.

First things first: he had to get outta town and find a place to lay low….

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A couple hours later, in that very same house, an alarm clock buzzed to life with a series of ear-piercing beeps.

"Yui!" cried a girlish voice. "Yui, it's time to wake up!"

A lump beneath pink satin sheets shifted and rolled in place. A groan emanated from the cover of warm darkness.

"Yui!" the voice rang again ten minutes later. "Yui, are you awake? It's time to get up!"

Another groan answered the call. A hand slipped from the sheets and slapped the air clumsily, presumably for the alarm clock. Not a minute later the hand stopped and retreated into the folds where it came from.

Fifteen minutes passed. The alarm was still beeping.

"Come on, Yui," Hirasawa Ui whined as she walked into her older sister's bedroom, fully dressed in her uniform. "We're going to be late for school." She put a hand on what she assumed was Yui's shoulder.

The lump curled itself up in a ball. "Five more minutes...'m so tired…couldn't sleep…."

"That's right," said Ui. "You and your friends are working on a new song. Well, you can't help them if you're not present at the meeting."

"Jus' a li'l longer, Ui…."

Ui sighed. She turned off the alarm and tossed the sheets off Yui's body. "Let's go, sis. Up and at 'em. Come on."

Yui raised her arms over her head, blocking out the light. "No, Ui," she said groggily. "No, don't do this…."

"You don't leave me much choice, I'm afraid. Now hurry up and get ready. Gitah's waiting!" At the sound of her instrument's name, Yui forced herself from the thick haze of sleep. Ui made a good point: how were the others going to learn of her progress if she and Gitah weren't there to show them? As precious as sleep was, school (to her dismay) was top priority.

Another fifteen minutes elapsed before Yui was fully changed, washed up, and fed for the first half of the school day. Although she was still caught herself drifting off as she readied herself, she was cognitive to not forget her guitar and the notes she spent pouring over well into the late hours of the night.

Yui gave them cursory glances while she stuffed them among the rest of her schoolwork in her briefcase. Her writing was all over the place, not just figuratively but literally. Upside-down, right-side up, sideways, even backwards, big and small, within the lines and across the margin, as if the words couldn't stay in one place. Although it made sense that there was no structure, because Yui and the other girls in the light music club knew she was downright _awful_ when it came to composing lyrics. Mio wasn't really any better, either, but it gave the older Hirasawa some comfort that, when you boiled it down to basic semantics, everyone tried their best.

"Yui, are you ready?" Ui called from the sidewalk. She was waiting for Yui to finish strapping on her shoes. "Do you need help with that?"

"No thank you," said Yui through a tremendous yawn. She rubbed her eyes with a fist. "I've got it…go on without me, Ui…."

"Nonsense! I'm staying right here. The bell's going to ring soon, anyway; we might as well not rush and take our time."

Yui sniffed. "You're too kind, Ui, but I don't want that to happen. There," she tugged on the strap and rose. "I'm set! Let's get moving before we're really laaaaate—!" She was cut short as she lost her balance and crashed face-first to the ground.

"Sis!" Ui cried. She dropped her own briefcase and ran up the lawn. "Sis, are you okay?"

Yui sat up and rubbed her head. When she pulled her hand away, she saw there were tiny specks of blood on her fingers. She grimaced. "I hope so. That woke me up!"

"Hold still, sis," said Ui. She retrieved a tissue from her breast pocket and applied pressure to the elder's forehead. "There. Give it a minute, this should stop it. Are you sure you're alright? That was quite a spill you took."

Yui wanted to nod, but she didn't want to disturb the younger girl's ministration. "I feel fine. Except…I think I tripped on something."

"You probably got up too fast."

"No, that wasn't it. My foot slipped on the corner there." She gestured with her speckled hand the edge of the porch, which was covered in ripe magnolia bushes.

Ui hummed thoughtfully. "Let's see." She returned the tissue to her pocket and walked over to the shrubs. She got down on one knee and searched through the blossoms. "What's this?" The girl rose. In her hands was a small rectangular box wrapped in crumpled brown paper.

"That must be what I tripped on," said Yui, joining her sister's side.

"That's odd," said Ui as she examined the box, "I don't see an address, not even a postmark. I wonder how it got here."

"Maybe Mugi left it by accident." Tsumugi always brought some type of confectionary when she and the other members of the light music club were invited to study and do homework.

Ui wrinkled her nose. "I don't know. It smells funny, like lemons…and" another whiff and she turned her head away "ugh, soiled gym socks."

Yui tapped a curious finger to her chin. "Then…who could it belong to?"

"This could be garbage for all we know. Here, go put this in the recycle bins. We'll put it through the incinerator after school." Ui passed the box to Yui and went to go fetch her briefcase.

Yui stared at the box for what seemed to be an eternity, but it was only a few seconds. Realization suddenly dawned on her face. "Ui! What if I bring this to school? Maybe the mail carrier dropped it here by mistake. Someone could be expecting it and they wouldn't even know it's missing!"

"If that were the case, it would've gone back through the sorting hall the second they saw there wasn't anything on it," said Ui. "Now come on, we only have a few minutes before classes start!"

Yui yelped, almost dropping the package. How could she forget? She snatched her case, adjusted Gitah, and ran to catch up with her sister, said box clutched at her hip. Someone had to know where it came from, and maybe that someone was looking for it right now. The only way to find out was to patrol every nook and cranny in the school and ask.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** All characters and locations belong to their respective owners.

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Later that day, classes were dismissed. The students of Sakuragaoka Gakuen pushed in their chairs, gathered their cases and packs, and parted from the classrooms in earnest. Most of the boys and girls were eager to leave the building and set off on the path home, but there were also boys and girls that lingered behind to participate in club activities. Basketball, baseball, calligraphy, tea ceremony, journalism, and so much more waited to be brought to life by nimble limbs and an interchanging concerto of voices and constant kinetic motion.

One such club was congregated in one of the second-floor rooms. It was a spacious area drenched in sunlight. Blinding radiance dappled in waves along the curves of brass cymbals attached to a three-piece drum set, the long, slim neck of a black bass guitar slanted against the window pane.

Everything would come together soon. There was just one thing that needed taken care of.

"She's late," Ritsu Tainaka grumbled under her breath as she looked up from her wristwatch. "Where could she be? We can't start without her!"

"I haven't seen her all day," said Mio Akiyama while she brought a notebook out from her book bag. "Did anyone get a text message from her, saying she wasn't going to make it? I know I didn't."

Ritsu shook her head. "Nope. Nada."

"I had some tests to do, so I couldn't check," Tsumugi Kotobuki elaborated. She pulled out her cell and flipped it open. "Let's see…no, I don't have any messages from Yui. I wonder what could be keeping her."

"She's probably got a lot of homework," the youngest of the three, Azusa Nakano, offered. "I went to look for her during lunch, but I didn't find her so I tried calling her. I didn't get through, so I had to leave a message."

"She could've had her phone turned off," said Ritsu, drumming her fingers on the table, "though I don't see any reason why she would. I mean, what year does she think we live in, 2000? If she wasn't gonna come today, she should have said so at our last meeting."

"Maybe it was last minute," suggested Tsumugi. Azusa nodded in agreement.

Mio shrugged. "Well, whatever the case, I'm sure Yui has good reason for her absence. Now, does anyone know why we're here today?" Without waiting for an answer she turned to Ritsu and said, "Do _you_ know why, Ritsu?"

The girl grimaced. She ceased tapping and instead proceeded to press up and down on the tip of her index finger. "Hmmmm, somethin' to do with writing a song for the school festival, methinks…?"

"My Gods, you actually remembered!" Mio gasped.

"Course I remember! We're the one and only light music club! We can't just forget things! The student body would collapse without our mad skills and _genki girl_ philosophy! How do you think they make it through the principal's assemblies? It's because of _us_." Ritsu thumped her chest for emphasis. "Without us, they'd be bored outta their minds jammin' their fingers up their noses and pokin' at their brains!"

"Now doesn't that sound like someone we all know?"

"Let's just get started, okay?" Ritsu sighed with a roll of her eyes. "Who wants to go first? Anyone? Don't be shy; we don't care if your lyrics suck or are in a different language, heck, if there's _anything_ at all. One verse is enough—"

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

"Aw no, _please_ don't let that be Nodoka," the girl groaned. She looked at her friends. "Someone answer that and tell her I don't have the admission paper for the performance ready."

"Do you know where you left it, Senpai?" Azusa asked.

Ritsu scoffed. "Where I left it? Check the desk, the important shtick's always in there."

"No it's _not_," Mio exclaimed, shooting her friend a disbelieving look. "The only _shtick_ that's in that hole is a bunch of yellowed copies of _Death Note_ and a steno pad listing all the wishes you'd make if Kyubey existed."

"If I had my way, we'd be at Budokan a long time ago! Besides, can you imagine how cool it'd be beating witches with the power of rock? One guitar riff and a shockwave'll blow 'em over! Oh, oh, but the outfit needs to fit with the awesome, too! You know, like, Slash's top hat and glasses for plus one Perception and Charisma; Freddy Mercury's four-octave vocal range for a fifteen-point increase in Speech _and_ Speech checks; a six drum multi-tenor configuration for plus ten Explosives; and just for kicks and giggles you get plus one luck for every Lady Gaga outfit and accessory you equip—"

"It's not in here," said Tsumugi, looking up and showing her empty hands.

Ritsu blinked, shifted her eyes left and right, right and left. "Oh." She sucked in a breath with a hiss. "Must have left it at home—"

"You never got the paper, did you?" Mio pressed her, and when the latter didn't respond, she demanded, "_Did you?_"

Ritsu winced and swallowed loudly.

"_Oh my Gods,_" moaned Mio. "Ritsu, how could you forget?"

"I didn't forget!" said Ritsu, whirling on the dark-haired girl. "I was just…very busy…and it slipped my mind! It was a simple mistake! Honest!"

"We understand that," said Azusa, ever the voice of reason, "but we need that paper signed and delivered to Nodoka-senpai before the deadline. And without that paper, we can't perform in the festival."

"Now, now, I'm sure Ritsu didn't mean to forget," said Tsumugi. "Why, I was in such a rush to get ready today I only packed enough sugar cookies for one person."

Ritsu sniffed through mucus-clogged passages and wiped an imaginary tear from her eye. "I knew there was an honest heart in this room. Mugi, you yuri-shipping airhead, I freaking love you!"

Tsumugi gasped and lowered her head, cheeks aflame. "Oh. Th-Thank you. I didn't know you felt that way—"

"That's not what she meant, Mugi," Mio sighed miserably.

_KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. _"Mio!" a high-pitched voice shouted behind the door. "Ricchan! Mugi! Azu-nyan! Anyone! Could someone please let me in? It's me, Yui!"

Ritsu deflated, the tension lifting from her shoulders. She ran both hands through her hair. "Whoooo-eeee! I'm in the clear! Smell that air, Mio! That's the taste of VICTORY GIN YEAH! NEVER FELT BETTER!" Mio rolled her eyes, exasperated at her friend's display.

"I'll get it," said Azusa; she got up from her seat, crossed the room, and opened the door. "Sorry about that, Yui-senpai. You're just in time. We were about to go over the lyrics for that new song."

Yui laughed lightly. "That's good to hear. Ah, but before we start there's something I need to ask everyone."

"No, I _don't _have the _freaking_ paper, okay?" Ritsu exclaimed, pulling at her hair in frustration. "I forgot to go to the office and ask freakin' Nodoka if I could please have a copy of the admission, so let's drop it already and move the hell on!"

Yui cringed. "…I-I'm sorry, but that wasn't the question I had in mind."

"Oh?" the anger melted off the club president's face, replaced with a moue of genuine curiosity. "Then what is it?"

Yui approached the table and shifted her left arm so the girls could get a better look. "Does this box belong to any of you?" Indeed it was a box, about the size of a shoe container. It was wrapped in crinkled brown paper with tape holding down various rips and folds in the material. "I found this outside my house on the way to school this morning."

The girls studied the rectangle for a moment.

"It's not mine," said Mio.

"It's not mine, either," said Azusa.

"I'm sorry," said Tsumugi with a shake of her head, "but I don't recall getting a package in the mail, either."

"It smells like butt," Ritsu sniffed.

"Is it yours, Ricchan?" asked Yui.

"Nuh-uh. I never check the mail."

"Figures," grumbled Mio.

"I don't see a postmark on it," said Tsumugi as she eyed the box. "Did you ask around?"

"I went around the school so many times, asking each and every person I saw," Yui explained as she shook off the strap holding Gitah. "I asked Nodoka, Jun, the principal, the janitor with the lazy eye, even Yamanaka-sensei, but they all said the box wasn't theirs. Ui doesn't know, either."

"Why not just take it to the post office?" said Azusa. "For all we know, this box could be a letter bomb."

Yui nearly dropped the instrument. "_L-L-L-Letter bomb?_ B-But how?"

"Don't you remember that fiasco in the U.S. after nine-eleven? A lot of post offices had to be on alert for letters containing anthrax powder."

"Well technically, you can't consider those letters actual letter bombs," Mio interjected.

"True, true, but that's just one way they can slip through the sorting halls. Letter bombs can be triggered by remote detonation, which means" Yui's gazed followed Azusa's indicative finger to the box "if you were holding a remote and were to press that big red button at this second – or any time at all – it would explode like that." She snapped her fingers, a sharp firecracker. Yui cringed and whimpered with fear.

"Pah!" Ritsu said, waving her hand dismissively. "You're a bunch of pansies! There's only one way to know if this thing goes boom." She snatched her pen from the table and thumbed the button.

Mio quickly got out of her chair. "Ritsu, don't you _dare_—"

"Ladies, you've given me the best year and a half a high school girl could ask for," said Ritsu, looking at each club member with a peaceful smile. "For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's been a great pleasure."

"_Ricchan_," Yui whined, fighting back tears.

"Yui, if we don't make it, know that I forgive you. You are a rare and special person, one I shall never forget." She put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "I love you."

Yui sniffed. "I love you, too, Ricchan!"

Mio rolled her eyes exasperatedly. "Oh, for the love of God!"

"LONG LIVE THE KING!" Ritsu yelled, and she brought the pen crashing down on the box.

Yui and Tsumugi screamed with all the air in their lungs and dove at the floor. Azusa tipped back in her chair and landed in a painful heap. Mio jumped forward and snatched Ritsu by the wrist.

But it was too late; the tip went through the brown paper.

And the bomb went off, killing the five girls and taking a chunk out of the school building. The END.

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Actually, that's not the real ending.

Here's what really happened:

There was no explosion, no tidal wave of gloriously blazing heat, no sign of the Grim Reaper with his silver scythe.

The day continued just as it did moments ago.

"Huh," said Ritsu, staring stupidly at the box. "It's a dud."

Mio cuffed the girl over the head. "Of all the stupid things you could have done, this is your worst! You would have had us all killed if that was a real bomb!"

"Hey, someone had to find out."

"Not like what you pulled just now!"

"Are we safe?" Tsumugi asked, poking her head out from under the table.

"Yes, you're safe," said Mio.

"And we're not dead?" asked Yui, looking up. "We're still alive?"

"Yes, you're still alive."

"JOY!"

Azusa pulled herself up from the floor, face set in a glare. "Yeah, in case anyone's wondering I'm doing great. Abso-freakin-lutely fantastic. Don't mind me."

"So if it's not a bomb," asked Tsumugi, "what is it?"

Ritsu peered inside the box. "I dunno. I see somethin' in there…somethin' glassy. Lemme open this up—"

"_Oh no you don't!_" Mio snarled, trapping Ritsu's hands over her own. "You've caused enough trouble as it is. We're taking this package to the police station!"

"Hey, last I checked Yui found it, so _she_ should open it." Ritsu offered the box. "Care to do the honors?"

Yui hesitated. "W-Well, since it's already ripped…I might as well. Maybe just a peek…."

"All yours, kiddo."

The girls watched as Yui poked her fingers into the tear, pause, and with great reluctance pull the paper apart. Yui tossed it aside and stared at the cardboard box with the hole where Ritsu's pen jabbed through. There was scotch tape plastered at the center, sides, and corners. Yui took the pen in her hand, cut through the tape, and opened the flaps up.

The moldy, rotten scent magnified tenfold the instant it hit the air.

Yui recoiled, coughing. "Ui was right! It does smell like gym socks!"

"Ugh, no kidding," Mio said, pinching her nose.

Tsumugi leaned over the table and peered at the contents. "It looks like a bottle you pour love potions in."

"Sure doesn't smell like a whole lotta lovin' to me," said Azusa. "But it looks familiar. I think I saw something like that once on the late night news …."

"Lemme see," said Ritsu. She joined Tsumugi and got a good look.

Her face broke out in a wide grin. "HOLY SHIT, IT'S A BONG!"

"A bong?" the girls exclaimed, Mio and Azusa in shock, Yui and Tsumugi with confusion.

"Hell yeah, it is! Look at that baby!" Ritsu pulled the glass bottle out, turned it around in her hands. "Look at that baby! Oooh, I don't think it's even been used. It's beautiful!"

"What use does a bong have?" asked Tsumugi.

"Nothing but a whole world of trouble!" said Mio. "You get caught with that, you're looking at five years behind bars. And seeing as there's a bong, there's almost got to be—"

"POT!" Ritsu cackled. She lifted from the box two items: a steel lighter with the escutcheon of Mexico stenciled on one side (with the words "PATRIA, LIBERTAD, TRABAJO Y CULTURA" scrawled below it) and a plastic baggy containing crushed green leaves. "We got pot! We won the motherfuckin' lottery!"

"Senpai, keep your voice down!" Azusa snapped angrily. "Mio-senpai's right. We can't be seen with this!"

"And if someone sees us, so what?" Ritsu shrugged nonchalantly. "Cops aren't gonna bust a bunch of underage schoolgirls."

"You wanna bet?" Mio threatened.

"I don't get it," said Yui. "What's so bad about pot? Ritsu seems pretty happy with it."

"Yui, this is Ritsu we're talking about. She thinks blowing up a paper bag and popping it by your ear while studying for midterms is a form of stress release."

"Oh _please_, everyone from here to Ryou'ou and Kitakou knew you were PMSing; somebody had to make you blow off _some_ steam, even if it did result in you almost giving me – might I say - a _very_ nasty concussion."

"You deserved it."

"Anyway, Yui, pot isn't all that bad. It makes you loopy and makes you see things you're not supposed to see (like that gosh-darned Buick Roadmaster!). But all the music greats have hit the pipe every now and then! Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, a lot of people around the world have smoked it 'til their lungs were fit to burst!"

"Yeah, and guess how they turned out," said Mio.

"_Regardless of those circumstances,_" Ritsu continued for emphasis, "this stuff's helped music-inclined folks like us find the next big hit that'll rock the airwaves! Allow me to demonstrate." She went over to the sink and turned the tap, placing the top stem beneath it.

"Ritsu," said Mio. "We are _going _to get _in trouble_. Think of hard it'll be to get into college when the school board reads your record. You don't want to go through that, do you?"

"Bah, we've got more one year of this place," Ritsu scoffed. "Trust me, _nothing's going to happen_. I've got it all under control." She turned off the water and returned to the table. "Now listen closely, because I'm only going to say this once _and only once!_ You too, Mugi, I know you're just as curious as Yui here. For starters, pot can be ingested in many ways: eating it, snorting it, injecting it via needle. We're going to burn this shit with that lighter and smoke the hell out of it until we obtain what is called a 'high', which is the kind of feeling you want to have when you know you can do no wrong, when you can wake up in the morning standing on top of the world, when your best friend dares you to scoop some dog vomit in a _sake_ dish and you know – YOU KNOW – you can slurp it down without barfing it back up while having that _teriyaki_ you had for lunch sitting in your stomach."

"You've done this before, haven't you?"

"BEHOLD!" Ritsu declared, ignoring Mio. "Watch…as I take this bag of reefer and dump it into this pipe." She did so, while Yui and Tsumugi followed her movements with awestruck eyes. "Now, you may be wondering, 'gee, Ricchan, how I do smoke it?' Well wonder NO MORE, MY FRIENDS! This here lighter shall light the fires in the darkness!" She fetched the lighter, flipped the cap, and flicked the flint-wheel several times to no avail. "Heh; must be an old lighter. No worries, girls, it just needs an extra kick…."

"Senpai," Azusa said to Mio, tugging on the girl's sleeve, "aren't you going to stop her?"

"What's the point?" said Mio. "You can see she's not paying attention, and Yui and Tsumugi aren't going to look away, either. Once Ritsu puts an idea into motion, it's almost impossible to stop it."

"What if we tell Yamanaka-sensei? Would that help?"

"Azusa, asking her to confiscate drugs would be like asking a convicted rapist to perform a cavity search in a police academy. It's not right and it just makes things worse."

"Sensei doesn't look like the type of person who would take a hit."

"Neither was Girl A."

"AND THERE WAS LIGHT!" Ritsu yelled in triumphant. Senpai and kouhai looked to see the Mexican lighter in Ritsu's hand aglow with a flicker of flame. There was a shit-eating grin on her lips.

Tsumugi sniffed back tears. "This must be how God felt on the First Day!" she said with amazement.

"Now what, Ricchan?" Yui asked. "What comes next?"

"Now we have to wait for the water to boil. Should take a couple minutes."

"And then you can smoke it?" asked Tsumugi.

"Then you can smoke it."

While they waited, Mio asked, "Ritsu?"

"Yeah, Mio?"

"You're an idiot."

"But I'm _your_ idiot."

"If you're my idiot, you should stop what you're doing and drop that thing off at the police station."

"And let them put me in cuffs and lock me behind bars? Tch, as if!"

"You just said they couldn't bust a bunch of underage girls."

"I was talking about the good cops. Good cops won't do squat when it comes to cuties like us. Now the bad cops, that's when the shit starts flyin'. They're there to make your life in the slammer as miserable as fucking possible. See, when you're with a bad cop they toss you in this four-by-five cell with—"

"IT'S BOILING!" Tsumugi squealed delightfully. "THE WATER'S BOILING!"

"Mugi-senpai, please," Azusa pleaded. "We're making too much noise as it is…."

Ritsu's face lit at the bong. "Fuck yeah, it _is_ boiling! Look, there's even smoke comin' out!" She gestured to the top chamber, and sure enough a thin contrail was billowing as if from an old-fashioned chimney. Yui and Tsumugi were gawking at it as If they were watching cow-shit combust into flames.

"So," Mio trailed off, looking minutely at each girl. "Who's going to smoke it?"

"Aaaaahh, is that interest I hear?" Ritsu crowed teasingly, and held out the bong. "Does our wittle Mio wanna take a hit?"

Mio swatted said object away. "No, I don't want to take a hit! If someone's going to get buzzed, it should be_ you_ and not seduced innocents like Yui and Tsumugi!"

Ritsu retreated with a grimace. "Who said anything about seducing? It was Yui who brought the package. Yui should hit it."

"Won't that break it?" the brunette asked.

"Dear, that's not what I meant—"

"_Listen to me."_ Mio snarled, and snatched Ritsu by the scruff of her uniform. She pulled her close and pierced her with a stare of glacial vexation. "I'm going to give you six reasons why _you_ should hit the pipe and not Yui and Mugi and Azusa."

"Oh, and what reasons are those?"

"I'll show you! One, two, three, four,_ FIVE!_" Mio lifted her free hand and closed her fingers into a fist, which she shoved under Ritsu's nose.

Ritsu stared at the fist, then at Mio. "Where's number six?"

Mio cuffed the girl on the side of the head. "THERE'S SIX!"

"OW! What are you trying to do, give me brain damage?"

"You can't get brain damage, you already are!"

"Then stop trying to kill me! Geez, what's going your panties all in a knot?"

"Just smoke the damn pot."

"Alright, alright, I got this." Ritsu yanked one of the chairs from the table and plopped herself on it. "Okay, are you girls watching? From what I remember, you gotta suck on the pipe like you're eating one of those sherbet ice cream push-ups but you can't quite reach the very bottom. It may take a few tries, but once you get the shtick down you'll be flying so high you'll be able to touch the sky!"

"That's an R. Kelly song!" said Tsumugi.

"_Very good_," Ritsu replied sardonically, "you earned yourself ten brownie points. Now zip those pretty lips and don't blink!" She peered into the pipe. "Alright, here's one for the home team!" She brought the bong to her lips and inhaled, only to rip the pipe away and cough harshly.

"Senpai, are you okay?" Azusa asked, rushing to Ritsu's side.

The girl didn't respond right away. For a moment she lost in her own world, pounding on her chest and hacking her throat raw. She managed to rasp out, "I'm fine! It's this shit. Oh man, this shit's fucking strong!"

"Maybe you inhaled too quickly," Yui said.

"Y-Yeah. Maybe."

"Senpai, maybe this is a bad idea," Azusa said. "I don't want us to get punished."

"I said I'm fine, kid. I just…need to take it easy, like Yui said. Yeah, gotta play my card slow and smooth. Smooth moves like smooth little babies."

"_What?"_ Mio intoned incredulously.

"Okay, change of plans. We each take two puffs and pass it around 'til there's nothin' left. Yui, get your pen and notebook out. Mio, take this lighter" she snatched the device and tossed it her way "and burn your lyrics. Everyone else, grab your shit and sit in a circle."

"OKAY!" Yui and Tsumugi chimed, and they were in liquid motion.

"Ritsu, I'm not doing this," said Mio.

"You have to, we're a band! We're fucking After School Tea Time, the best of the best!"

"That's no excuse!"

"Everybody has done it. It's only fair we follow in their footsteps and write glossolalia a paranoid schizophrenic can't copy."

"I spent _two hours_ getting the perfect words on paper. _I'm not_ going to put them to the fire and watch my hard work go up in ashes."

"Then I'll do it. Gimme the lighter."

"NO! I'd rather toke!"

Ritsu smirked and shook her head. "You're somethin' else, Mio."

"Look who's talking!"

"Gimme the lighter."

"I said NO!"

"I'll make it easy on you. All you have to do is look away."

"Let me toke instead! I won't burn the papers if you let me toke, okay? How does that sound?"

"I thought you weren't too keen on it."

"I'll do it! I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow the gods-damn building down if I have to. Just don't make me burn my paper!"

Ritsu considered this.

"Okay," she said. "It's a deal."

Mio sighed with relief. "Thank you—_oomph!_" The wind was punched from her stomach, her eyes wide and in shock.

Ritsu shoved the pipe further in the other's mouth, grinning all the while. "That's it, girl! Suck on it! Suck it good! You know you want some—OOF!" A jab to the face cut her short and knocked her flat to the ground.

"Ricchan!" "Senpai!" Yui, Tsumugi, and Azusa resounded in tandem.

"YOU GODDAMNED RETARD!" Mio sputtered as she glared at the prone (and hopefully barely coherent) girl. "The hell's the matter with you? I could have done it myself, you know! Gods, I should've known better than to let my guard down around you _whoooaaa_." She stopped herself, and the fury that had ensnared her so melted into a look of dumb astonishment. "You guys see that?"

"See what, Mio?" asked Yui.

"The colors," said Mio. Her free hand clutched at the air in front of her. "They're…they're floating. Spinning. Oh! they're forming letters, a-a sentence!"

"What does it say?" asked Tsumugi.

Mio stared off into space, her eyes adopting a far-away, unfocused glaze. A moment later, she answered in a thick, sleepy slur, "ROY G. BIV…."

There was an awkward silence.

"Holy crap," Ritsu was (obviously) the first to puncture it, "that shit works _fast_! We gotta try some of that!"

Azusa pointed at Mio. "And be baked like her? No, I won't stand for it. This is wrong and you know it! We shouldn't be lowering ourselves to your level, more or less turn to pot _of all things_ to find inspiration."

"But…but…Azu-nyan!" Yui begged. "I want to see floating sentences, too!"

"And I want to see Roy G. Biv!" added Tsumugi. "I want to see birds flying upside-down and ponies smiling with teeth too large and too wide to fit with their facial structures!"

"Face it, baby, you can't rock the vote." Ritsu smiled smugly. "We've got the pot and time to kill, so how's about we gather round like good li'l girls and pass this here hookah 'til we vomit rainbows and cupcakes? Eh? Whaddya say?"

Azusa glared at her elder. "I'm going to the Principal." She turned around.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you!"

"Tsk, and why not?" Her hand hovered inches above the doorknob.

"B-Because!" Ritsu sputtered. "I-I can…I can dropkick you, you know! You open that door and I'ma clock you like a kid with narcolepsy!"

"Bah, since when have you ever been in a fight, Senpai? You don't scare me."

"You want me to try?"

"You're just gonna hurt yourself, Senpai. Don't make things worse than they are just because you couldn't get off the ground—"

"Mugi, hold this." Ritsu held out the bong and, as Tsumugi took it from her and marveled its pristine curves, shrugged out of her cardigan.

Azusa sighed. "Senpai, please…."

"Ricchan, you're not serious, are you?" Yui asked nervously.

"It's got to be done," said Ritsu, tossing the jacket onto the table behind her (it hit the floor instead). "There's no other alternative!"

"So melodramatic." Azusa rolled her eyes. "Really, Senpai, with this much talent you could have signed up for the Drama Club. Why commit violence when you can do it on stage and not get reprimanded for it? It fits you perfectly."

"Naw, I don't think it'll do me any good for future reference. Rather stick my guns to freelancin', you know?" Smacking her fists together, cracking those knuckles, limbering her neck in a roll that was smooth and liquefied. (Gearing up for war much?)

"Then what are you doing here?" If that was her style?

"I just love trolling the shit out of you guys. THINK FAST!" She charged forward and kicked off the ground, twisting her body around.

Azusa's eyes widened. "What the fu—!" They promptly closed when Ritsu's full weight slammed into her. The elder's legs encircled her neck and pinned her to the floor where her head was wedged uncomfortably against the door. "God _dammit_!"

"Azu-nyan!" cried Yui.

Ritsu cackled and squeezed her calves. "Whatcha gonna do now, huh? WHATCHA GONNA DO? There is no ESCAPE, only PAIN!"

"Let…go. I…I can't….breathe…."

"Say uncle! C'mon, say uncle!"

"N-Never," the girl choked, pulling vainly at Ritsu's legs.

"Ricchan, let Azusa go!" Yui clapped her hands on her friend's shoulders and tried to pry her away. "We'll smoke the pot, just let her go!"

"Not until she says uncle!"

Azusa's face was several shades of white; her skin was so pale you could see the veins pumping hardcore like subwoofers soaked in bass. "Uncle…Un…cle…gughhaarkark…."

"See! She's saying uncle!" Yui shook Ritsu with the fervor of a madwoman on speed, screaming in a hysterical voice, "SHE'S SAYING UNCLE!"

"Ahhghhk…nnngrrkk….!" Her eyes rolled to the back of her head.

Ritsu scoffed. "Oh all right. Might as well; can't have a dead girl on her hands, now do we?" She loosened her hold on Azusa. "There. How ya feelin', ole chum?"

"Asdflkhgojqlhiasdf," was all she could manage as her color returned and sweet, sweet oxygen filled her lungs.

"RITSU," Mio exclaimed, leaning against Tsumugi for support. "WHY YOU NO DO THAT TO ME?"

Mugi extracted the pipe from her lips with an audible pop and elicited a high, airy giggle. Blonde eyelashes fluttered a manic stucco beat. She swayed from side to side, holding the smoking bong for all to see like a championship trophy. "Friday~ Friday~ GON' GET DOWN ON FRIIIIIDAAAAY~"

Another of those awkward silences.

"So," Ritsu began, looking to Yui and Azusa, "who wants to go next?"

* * *

**Some Time Later….**

* * *

"Yui, are you there?" Nodoka Manabe called as she rapped her knuckles against the door. "It's Nodoka. I'm here to pick up the application for the school festival. It's due first thing tomorrow morning." There was no answer. She sighed. "I hope to whatever deity you worship you got that form, Ritsu. You'll be letting down more than just fangirls if After School Tea Time isn't signed up because you forgot."

She waited. And waited.

And still there was no answer.

"Damn, what are they doing, sleeping?" she murmured under her breath.

"Is something wrong, Senpai?" Ui asked as she approached.

"I don't know. Your sister and her friends aren't answering for some reason."

"Is it about the form?"

"Yeah, I need to turn it in to Yamanaka-sensei before she leaves. The deadline's tomorrow and I can't wait for Ritsu to get off her caboose and fetch it herself."

"Do you think they're okay?" Ui asked concernedly.

"I should hope so. The day's been normal as it is, so I don't imagine anything is going to be out of the ordinary." She turned the knob and pushed the door open. "WHAT THE FUCK?" the normally well-mannered upperclassman cried aloud incredulously.

"BIG SIS!" Ui gasped, scandal radiating from every fiber of her being.

There they were, the five girls that consisted of the light music club and the After School Tea Time band, strewn across the room in various positions of activity. Mio was staring up at the ceiling lights with eyes too wide and alert to be normal. Ritsu was squatting in the dark of a corner in the room, cowering and mumbling incoherently. Azusa sat at the table with her head down, and whether she was asleep or unconscious could not be determined. Tsumugi wobbled precariously on said table's surface, smiling and spinning and very close to maneuvering over the edge, and Yui….

"Big Sis, what are you doing to Gitah?" Ui cried, making the mad dash toward her elder sister.

Nodoka swallowed, and it was a sound that sounded too loud in her ears. "…I think she's humping it, Ui."

"No, sis, no! Get off, get off! It's not right! IT'S NOT RIGHT!" After a moment of struggling, Ui pried the girl off the guitar and shook her by the shoulders. "What's the matter with you? I know you love Gitah, but this is too much!"

"What in the world is going on?" Nodoka asked aloud. "And" she took a tentative sniff, recoiled, "ugh, what _is_ that smell? It smells like—"

"Gym socks," Ui breathed with revelation. "The box! Where's the box?"

"You mean the one Yui brought in?"

"Yes! Do you see it?"

Nodoka spotted it. She went over to Mio's unmoving form and looked down. At her feet was the cardboard box, on its side and its flaps open for all to see.

"Did you find it?" Ui asked. She was in the middle of disengaging herself from Yui's outstretched, groping hands.

"Yeah," said Nodoka, "but it's opened. One of 'em must have gotten curious but the question…is who?"

"WHO TOOK THE COOKIES FROM THE COOKIE JAR? WHO, ME? YES, YOU! COULDN'T BE, THAT'S WHO!" Tsumugi blared, jutting her hips to and fro to emphasize her words.

"Dude," Mio drawled, "I'm trippin' on BALLS. Like, straight trippin'."

"GAWD DAMMIT," Ritsu suddenly yelled. "Where's my Gas? Where's my motherfuckin' Gas? Give it to me, damn you! GIVE IT TO ME OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR SPINE AND USE IT AS A FUCKING COAT RACK!" She pointed an accusing finger at the chalkboard. The chalkboard did not respond in kind.

Azusa said nothing.

"Oh god, what are we going to do, Senpai?" Ui inquired her; if her hands were free, she would be biting her nails. "They're not themselves! There's got to be something we can do! Argh, Yui, get your face outta there! Y-Yui—!"

"Oh my, it appears the state of your friends – and my students – has to do with this particular device," said a new voice. The two coherent girls turned to see who it was.

"Yamanaka-sensei!" Ui cried. "What is that you're holding in your hand?"

Nodoka felt her stomach drop. "Sensei…is that…?"

"A bong?" Sawako looked at the pipe, then at Nodoka and Ui. "Why yes, this is indeed a bong. It's so…plain, don't you think? Like something you would use in chemistry class. Pity; I wish I had one of these back in the day."

"Yamanaka-sensei, you smoked pot?" Nodoka asked.

"Smoked it? I snorted it, injected it, ate it, drank it, you name it! It wasn't just pot; I popped acid, the big E, mescaline, shrooms, the world over! And let me tell you, the world back then was _damn fine_." She presented them a proud, dashing grin.

"Goddamn, Sensei," Nodoka awed. "I'm surprised the Board of Education hasn't fired you. I'm surprised you're _even still alive_."

"Now I know why you look so much like a hippie!" said Ui.

Sawako laughed. "I guess I do. Ah, but those days are behind me. I have to preserve my image lest the higher ups catch wind of that illustrious past. Teachers are supposed to be good role models, you know."

"Well," began Nodoka, "since you've done drugs before, do you know how long it'll be before the" come on, dammit, spit it out! "the pot wears off?

Sawako hummed, tapped the neck of the bong thoughtfully against her chin. "That depends on how much they had. Did you find the package that goes with this? Anything else that was in it, like a Ziplock baggie?"

Ui cursed and almost fell to the floor. "B-Big Sis…!"

"I WANT YOUR BALSAMIC VINEGAR," Yui groaned and pushed, arms flailing in the air. "GIVE YOUR ME VINEGAR, UI."

"We found the box, but there was nothing in it," Nodoka told Yamanaka-sensei. "You don't think…?"

"Oh, definitely." She nodded. "There's no doubt in my mind. They had to have had smoked it all for the stench to be this powerful. Oh, but don't you worry; in a few hours they should be back to their normal selves. It was just this one time, nothing serious."

"If you say so, Sensei."

"Of course I say so. I'm always right."

"Sis, I swear, if you touch me there one more time…."

"Oomph oomph oomph! Look at me I'm dancin', I'M DANCING!" Tsumugi cackled and thrust her hips to a beat only she could hear in her head. "Check me out, boooiiiii~!"

"The staaaaarrrrsss," Mio droned. "All the pretty staaaarrrrsss….."

"I DON'T LIKE YOU!" Ritsu screamed at the chalkboard eraser and sent it flying across the floor with a kick.

Azusa said nothing.

"What should we do, Sensei?" Nodoka asked, surveying the predicament they were in. "We can't let anyone see them like this much less know what happened in here."

"Like I said, there's no need to worry," Sawako assured her. "Most of the faculty has left for the day. The building's empty, so you have free reign and more than enough time to get these girls out of here."

"You want us to carry them?"

"They're stoned, Nodocchi. They'll just think they're floating and transcended above the mortal coil. Here, take my keys. You can put them in the car when you get outside. I'll clean up and dispose of the evidence."

Nodoka bowed deeply. "Thank you so much, Sensei! You hear that, Ui? Grab your sister and let's go!"

"Okay!" said Ui, and just as Yui was about to topple her to the ground and have her way with her the younger punched the elder in the stomach. Yui was unconscious in an instant.

So Ui and Nodoka bore the stoned members of After School Tea Time to their teacher's vehicle while Sawako sprayed the light music club room with heavy amounts of a bathroom spray she pilfered from a nearby janitor's closet.

When the girls came back, they found they could no longer detect the thick, heady stench that the marijuana had produced. Sawako had done a superb job hiding it, but as they walked in:

"Sensei, _what_ do you think you're _doing_ with that _bong_?" Nodoka inquired.

Sawako stopped in mid-motion, feigning a look of innocence. "Oh, this? I'm, uh, taking this with me."

"And for _what_, may I ask?"

"I'm, er, going to throw it away. On the way out. Can't just toss it while it's still in the building. We could get in a lot of trouble, y'know. Forgetfulness leads to carelessness."

"Are you sure, Sensei?" Ui insisted. "We don't want you to be caught and have the blame pinned on you."

"Well technically it's partly your fault for bringing in an illegal substance onto school property—"

"Sensei!" Nodoka admonished.

"—but since you didn't know any better we'll let slide this one time, okie-doodle? Good girl, I hope you understand the severity of the situation. Yui, on the other hand, will have to pay the price for giving unto temptation. It is but a justifiable punishment."

"Alright, but do be sure to put it someplace where no one can find it!"

Sawako nodded and stashed the bong beneath her coat. "You can count on me, ladies. My pot smoking days are, I will say again, far, _far_ behind me. Tonight will be the last night I touch this pipe!"

* * *

Later that night the Crave beckoned Luis, jumping and jiving like a man with his shoes on fire, and it yearned for love. So he returned to the house in the neighborhood where he stashed the package. He crept quietly up the blacktop and crouched before the magnolia bushes. He rubbed his hands in anticipation and pushed the leaves back.

His heart nearly popped out of his mouth.

The box…it was gone! Where…? How…? Who…?

Luis fell flat on his ass, but he didn't notice. For a long time he stared at the greenery, too dumb and in shock to even move or make a sound.

Then he put his face in his hands and released a long-suffering sigh.

He was never getting involved in drugs again. No more pot, no more alcohol, no more of that gangsta horsecrap. It was time for him to clean up and man up. Maybe go back to college and get a degree. Yeah, that sounded good. That sounded _very_good.

Because in the end, drugs brought nothing but a whole world of trouble.


End file.
